Idle Chat...

As I lie down on my back, sweetness melting in my mouth

Thoughts swim on in my mind causing ripples in its peaceful waters

The ripples continue to form and create a cyclone that destroys all that lies in its way

It destroys my peace; it destroys my chain of thoughts

Oh lord awake, awake from Thy slumber and calm the storms of my mind

For even the sea listens to Thee, the fish the swim at Thy command

What then is the anxiety of my heart?

For when Thou art for me oh Lord, who can stand against me?

Thou hold me in thy arms and show me my name carved in the palm of Thy hands

Thou knew me before I existed, such a deep bond we share

Thou knew me and recognized me when I never was

How much more oh Lord will Thou recognize and know me now

Ever tear drop that escapes my eye and ever thought that troubles me

Thou have a count of

Because Thou care, because Thou love, because Thou art who Thou art

The twinkle in my eye, Thou place it there in the night

So that the morning sun should shy away from the brightness of my smile

The smile on my lips, Thou place there when I’m sleeping

So that I wake up to praise Thee in happiness and grace

Such is Thy love for me, but I am so weak my lord

That I fail time and again to know and recognize Thee

I lived with Thee for nine months in my mother’s womb

But I have forgotten Thee and Thy tender love

Make haste my lord to shower me with Thy love

Make haste and send me Thy spirit in its fullness

That I may let Thou into my life, that I may let Thou love me more and more

I talk to them but they don’t answer me

I approach and knock, but they push me away

I hurt oh Lord and I hurt so badly, but I know Thou see it all

Thou let it happen for Thou have a plan, a plan for goodness and brimming with hope

I trust Thee my Lord for I know Thy skill, Thou art the most adept of all

I’m a lamb, I falter and I stray away

I come to Thee only when I need to graze

When I’ve had my fill of water and fodder

I go to other places, I wander and I pay no heed to Thy call oh Lord

But Thou art my merciful Shepard, Thou guide me still

Thou come out of love to find me and take me

Thou swing me and place me gently on Thy shoulders

I rest feeling secure with Thy arms around me

I know if the wolf comes Thou will face him alone

But no harm shall grope me and pull me down

They say we never met, they say we’re far away

But Thou oh Lord are right where Thou were

It is I who keep going back and forth

But Thou pull me closer in Thy love and mercy

I can talk to Thee my Lord for ever and ever

Time shall pass by me and I wouldn’t know

For Thou listen to every word I speak to Thou

Nothing I say goes unheard

But Lord in Thy mercy talk to me

Let me be the one who listens to Thy word

Thou have spoken to me oh Lord, many a time Thou have

But a deaf ear I have turned unto Thee

Aid me my Lord that I may listen

Listen to Thy word and keep it well

For it’s pleasing to Thee that I keep Thy word

And it’s a privilege for me that I get to hear Thy voice

Power of Love...

The warmth of love she hadn't felt, her heart had turned to stone;
With love He caused her heart to melt, He chose her as His own.

Like a stream that gushes down the mountain in search to be free;
And flows ahead with fervour intense to dive into the sea,
She lived every moment so full of life, she lived every moment like her last;
Little did she know her sweetest moments would turn so sour so fast.

The sun came up and dried the water, the stream could barely flow;
In no time she turned so empty and parched, or at least she thought so,
Her soul had turned so barren and bore no fruit in a long long time;
All she wanted was love in its fullness, oh my was it a crime?

Then came the rains like showers of blessing and filled her till she overflowed,
Then came the Master- the Friend so dear and she smiled so hard that she glowed.

Freedom begins between the ears...

Listen to your voice, it speaks so softly;

Let not vain noise stifle its message for you.

I really admire people who are sure of what they want to do in life. This is because they can do something I can't. I've never been sure of what I've wanted, be it the course I should pursue, the brand I should work with, the man I should spend the rest of my life with et al or have I?

Many a time though, I've felt that deep down I just know what I want to do and may be I just don't want to admit it to myself. Fear of the unknown- what if I fail, what if I find out it's not what I should have chosen? In the bargain, most things I've ended up choosing are what I shouldn't have chosen. What an irony!

I always thought dropping out of college for the love of music or being an IITian and an IIM graduate and ending up as a fiction author were things that happened to others. Women like me, very next door and very ordinary don't do or even think of doing things like that. But I must admit that I was wrong. Where I am today, I'd have loved to drop out of college! I guess, it's a feeling I've probably harboured for quite sometime now at a subconscious level. Finally, the boiling lava has hit surface. After all these years I've finally realized that I'm not M.B.A. material. I'm not cut out to sit in plush offices and crack deals worth crores. I am just meant to be me. 

I've always been some one who could never work things out on a macro level. The next door chic that I am, I can only perform and function on a micro level. Hoping all through out that my efforts create ripples that go a long way and extrapolate the benefit large scale. For instance, I can't convert a two lakh  event into a sixty lakh one. Rather, what I can do and enjoy doing is write an attractive tagline for the event hoping in good spirit that the event becomes a name that touches every heart it reaches.

I wish life was a movie shot that had retakes if needed, in contrast to 'the world being a stage' where you get to perform any scene only once . Alas, if wishes were horses, I'd have a ranch! Nevertheless, there is always a door that helps you break away, you just have to find it. And I've found my door. 

I open the door to my secret hide out and the sunlight, it kisses my face;

Smiling, I gently nudge it away to find myself in its embrace.

Confessions of an independent city woman...

I look into the mirror; lo what do I see?
A beautiful and powerful woman staring back at me.

Coffee brewing, the aroma wafts into nothingness. The washing machine churns a heap of clothes in warm water and soap. A limp sky blue kurta awaits its destiny to crispness. Suddenly the bathroom door opens and a moderately built figure steps out of translucent smoke, like an apsara stepping out of the celestial heavens. A baby pink towel wrung around her head entwines her black hair. A drop or two of water rests like dew on her forehead. She pours herself a cuppa and rushes into the bedroom.

The machine beeps to tell her it has faithfully done its duty once again. She has replaced her white wrap around towel with a loose vest and shorts. A jig with the iron box and she is into her gear. Hair tied into a loose knot, smack some gloss, contour the eyes and she is ready to face another day.

It's not easy being an independent city woman. Juggling the personal and the professional is a touch harder than juggling coloured balls at the circus.

You may have been independent as a child but a foretaste of adult hood can lead to indigestion if you have to taste it in copious amounts. Talking of taste, food issues are an issue alright. Let’s face it, biryaanis and pizzas will never satiate you like home made dal and rice. If you have to ruminate on the former every single day it's a pain; and it’s a 'big' pain. Junk food leads to concave bellies- jelly bellies and when you are twenty three and female it's a big no no.

Anyway, you somehow drag yourself to work. A long busy day (with lunch in the royal canteen, one would rather fast) and we're back home. Bai's, in my opinion, derive sadistic pleasure in seeing their employers (especially if she is female) in distress. A mountain of vessels in the kitchen sink and the bed sheets and pillow covers dusty enough to attract wild life. In moments like these our fairy godmothers have an uncanny knack of falling ill or making someone else in the family fall ill. All said and done, you can't complain because itna paisa mein itnaich milinga! 

You manage to do the vessels. Now at least you have a glass to quench your thirst with. Open the lid of the washing machine and the fragrance that your nose is privileged to enjoy is in explicable. Drying clothes using hangers at ten in the night and devoid of a grain in your stomach is an impossible task. You promise yourself that you would religiously dry them appropriately once you're married and a home maker. Negotiating with the guilt pangs on not being one yet, you dry them on the floor and switch on the fan. Regulator on full speed (guilt Nazi on the prowl again reminding you of the huge electricity bill that's going to show up at month end). After the war has been waged, you're too tired for an elaborate dinner. A bag of chips ('big' pain again) finds its way into your more than willing stomach.

You make an effort to splash some water onto your face and in no time you've hit the bed ("Dad, I really wanted to, but my hands are too tired to brush my teeth"). A string of thoughts ensue (I should have taken my one rupee from that rickshaw driver and I’ll teach that woman in the train a lesson tomorrow for sure).Snore. Dreams. Rejuvenation to face yet another challenging, nevertheless eventful day.

Footprints...

The fruit of Eden I did eat;
But the path I trod took me through hades.
I met the right man to cherish the moment;
Alas how I met him spelled the end.

We meet so many people in our life time. Most of them walk out of our hearts as fast as they had walked in. A few of these leave foot prints behind.

He sat at the bus stop biting his lips. The night long anxiety hadn't let him rest his eyes. Anxiety, she had troubled him all night and now mercilessly teased him as he sat in solitude. Not solitude entirely as he sat with a million thoughts swarming his mind. He smiled gently as he imagined the moment. A moment that would have to wait for hours before it manifested itself.

He stared out of the window. Rain drops trickling down his window. He slid it to breathe in sweet muddy breeze. The bus sped across the highway letting the cool breeze caress his face and play with the black flicks that so charmingly rested on his broad forehead. The sun was dozing leaving behind a frail trail of light. Light that shone bright enough to make his dark eyes glisten.

He got down the bus. A left gaze and then a right. Again a left. He had imagined not what he saw. A simplicity so sweet that it made him cringe at his vivid imagination.

She sat in front of him, eyes searching for something to look at, lest his gaze should catch hers. Their breath echoed against the silence so loud. The white walls took an oath not to bear witness. The fireflies sang their song outside. May be they sang to sweet nothings that played within. A thought, a smile and a word. They moved colour by colour on the spectrum of an unchristened bond.Before they knew it, a white was all that was visible. A white, so pure and yet stained.

He never saw her again. Some bonds were meant to last but a moment. Moments of happiness, they were all he had wanted. So intense. He had felt , he had lived. The foundation of feeling though had been weak. As weak as a house built on sand along the sea shore.

Sometimes we meet the right people in the wrong ways. The moment never lasts, as doesn't the bond. But the memories remain. The footprints remain etched on the walls of our heart. These people move out of our lives as fast as they had moved in. They move out nevertheless, and we are never the same.

Found...

I live not in a vacuum, but among creatures varied;
Yet I feel the solitude, the empty space stares me in the eye...

Mumbai. She came to this city when she was 17. Full of life, both the city and she. Like a two edged sword the city devoured her. Ruminated on her belief in herself. Yes, it had taught her how to be herself and given her the courage to practice what she had learned. But may be it had taken more than given.

Vehicles honking, dogs barking, rain chitter- chattering and birds chirping. Such is the city that even silence seems so loud. Yes, it is difficult to feel the solitude therefore. But she did feel it. There was everyone around her and yet she was on her own.

There comes a time in life when family and friends fail to fill the void. Eyes crave for a glimpse of that face, the face that fills the empty space. In vain the mind wanders, the heart wastes precious emotion. Then there are a few who come along. They come with their story, they come with their song. She dreams the septa coloured dreams again. A moment or more the feeling lasts. It goes leaving her like ever before.

In the silence of her heart she hears someone speak. She hears Him say, "Come to me". A candle, some solitude and His word. Day after day there is no evident change. But her mind is made up. She seeks not change any more. She craves for the company. Even though it takes a thousand years and forever she will not be moved. He was, he is, he will be.